The Calling
by GabrielleduVent
Summary: When the Wardens begin to hear the music, it drives them absolutely insane... but the music they hear isn't something fantastical, they're all on youtube. The Fereldan Wardens try to decide what to do. Some crazy songs and ideas ensue.


What if the Calling wasn't actually some indescribable music, but actually your regular earworms? The Wardens are all suffering from the Calling, but they turn out to be your regular music staples...

The following has been assumed (just for the heck of it)

ANDERS never went to Kirkwall.  
ALISTAIR is at Amaranthine.  
WARDEN-COMMANDER is a male city elf.  
JUSTICE is still inhabiting the corpse.  
SIGRUN, VELANNA, NATHANIEL are still around.

Set sometime when Corypheus emits the Calling, in Amaranthine.

* * *

The Calling

"So, you too?" asked the Warden, clutching his head. The former city-elf-gone-rogue-gone-Warden-gone-Warden-Commander had been especially irritable these past few days, and people had been wondering why. Well, now that he had mentioned it in passing, it was clear what was going on.

"Yeah," said Alistair, his fellow Warden. "I seriously can't get Mmmbop out of my head. Stupid Hansons. It's starting to get annoying."

"I thought you liked Mmmbop."

"Not when it's on repeat for three days in my head, no."

The Fereldan Wardens were sitting around in Amaranthine, discussing the current problem. Or, they would have, if they could agree on the song that was aggravating them to no end. For one thing, everyone seemed to be hearing a different song, but the unifying theme seemed to be "annoying and definitely repetitious".

"You try going to sleep with Rebecca Black stuck in your head!" Sigrun snapped, uncharacteristically waspish. "It's NOT Friday! Today is Wednesday! It hasn't been Friday for days! Get the song out of my head!"

"So…" said Tabris. "Rebecca Black and Mmmbop. Do you guys watch excessive amounts of MTV or something? That's it, no more TV for you!" He glared at Justice/Kristoff, who was casually humming Baha Men. "Justice, if you don't stop yammering 'who let the dog out', I will rip your tongue out."

The mabari barked. The rotting corpse glanced at the Warden-Commander.

"Commander," said the spirit from the Fade gravely, "No need to get so violent. Who, who who who-"

"SHUUUUUUUT UUUUUUP!" Darrian rubbed his temples. "Nathaniel?"

But the Howe was too far gone in his Eiffel 65 nightmare. All he could say was "da ba dee". The Warden-Commander turned to Anders. "Can you heal him? Or knock some sense into him? Or kill him?"

"No, no, sure, but then the song might go to someone else. Do you really want Velanna singing Eiffel Sixty-Five?" He gestured to the Dalish female, who was dancing wildly to Macarena in the corner. Sure enough, she wiggled her hips then hopped a full ninety degrees, bopping her head to some unknown beat. "One maca two maca three maca-"

Sigrun surreptitiously hit the elf with a tranquiliser dart.

"So… Mmmbop, Rebecca Black, Eiffel 65, Macarena, Baha Men… who else? Oh, crap." The motley band turned their eyes to Oghren, who was gyrating his squat hips to the addictive beat of Black Eyed Peas.

"My lovely lady lumps check it out, I drive these brothers crazy, I do it on the daily-"

"Oghren, stop humping the air!" Darrian shouted as Alistair turned beet red and Sigrun gagged. "And what the heck did you do with your pants!" The dwarf was pantless, displaying his… equipment to the world. And the room full of mortified Wardens.

"I don't wear no pants! I'm scared of the shleets! My hump my hump-"

The Warden-Commander resolutely stood up, and whacked the dwarf on the head with a mace. The dwarf collapsed, unconscious.

"Maybe we should just keep them unconscious," the elf murmured as he returned to his seat. "Whack them in the head a few times, shut them up in the Deep Roads below Amaranthine. Yeah, that's it." He turned. "Anders?"

The mage blushed. "I don't want to say it."

"Oh, c'mon. We all said ours! What can be worse than Rebecca Black?"

"Mine's much, much worse."

"I doubt it," pressed Sigrun. "Fess up. What is it? Britney Spears? Katy Perry? Oo, I know, Taylor Swift!"

"I kinda like Taylor Swift," confessed the most senior Warden in Ferelden. Darrian sighed. He was starting to think that there may have been more than just a casual banter to Alistair's remigold comment. He decided to ignore it for the moment.

"Anders, c'mon," said the elf. "Say it."

"No."

"Anders! This is an order from your Commander of the Grey!"

"Fuck that!"

"Alright. Anders… Hot n' Cold, Katy Perry…" Darrian wrote without asking further permission. The apostate screamed, then shouted, "All-right, all right! It's Barbie Girl! I've got Barbie Girl stuck in my head!"

Sigrun goggled. "Man, that's hilarious."

"I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world-"

Anders glared at the man who sang the phrase. "Shut up, Mmmbop." He whacked Nathaniel on the head with his staff for no good reason. "And you too, Da Ba Dee!" Tabris crossed out the track name, and then wrote in "Barbie Girl" instead.

"Sooo… that takes care of all of us. This is one MTV oldies marathon," he murmured. "Oh, in case you were wondering, I have Venga Boys stuck in my head. And I'm about to rip my hair out."

"I KNEW you went to Six Flags instead of a darkspawn raid! Why didn't you take me?! I wanted to go on the Batman ride!" Alistair pouted. Darrian ignored him, as usual, but instead threw the Grey Warden hand puppet at his head.

"We need to do something about this," Darrian decided. "We can't go on with our lives with- OH DEAR MAKER OGHREN PANTS!"

Oghren had sat up, wiggling his hips again. Sigrun kicked him in the head. He passed out with an oof.

"So what should we do?"

"Sue VEVO?" Anders offered.

"Too expensive. And won't take care of Venga Boys. Anyone else?"

"What's causing this earworm anyway?"

"I got it! Sue Youtube!" Alistair clapped his hands in triumph.

"And get the collective Fereldan population mad at us? We went down that road before, remember?"

"Ask Anora to ban these songs."

"They're already stuck in our head. Maybe it's magic?"

Darrian hemmed and hawed. "Maybe you're right. We should look into this. Alistair, you go and look into-"

LATER, IN SOME CAVE:

Alistair was chatting with the Inquisitor, hoping to get help before he drove a spike through his head to get the Mmmbop out.

"Are you affected too?" asked the Inquisitor.

"Unfortunately, yes. When I'm talking or fighting, I can almost ignore it. But whenever things are quiet, I can hear it, like a song you can't get out of your head."

"So kind of like that episode from Seinfeld where George walks around singing that song from Les Mis?"

"That's exactly like it. Damn annoying, actually." _You have so many relationships in this life, only one or two will last,_ sang one of the Hansons in his head again, and he considered if suicide was a viable option. It wasn't that the Wardens were afraid to die, as everyone had assumed. It was more like they were fed up of waking up and sleeping to the likes of Rebecca Black and were pontificating whether life beyond death would be music free.

"I don't fear the Calling!" Blackwall said proudly. "Worrying about it only gives it power!"

 _Mmmbop, ba dupa dop ba du bop!_

Alistair Theirin seriously considered just ditching everything and going for his Long Walk early. Dying by the darkspawn blades was better than listening to the imaginary Hanson boys blurbing about best friends and lovers forever!11oneoneone!. Darkspawn had _no_ taste in music, evidently.

In his hidey-hole somewhere, Corypheus sat in front of his computer, eating Cheetos and chugging Mountain Dew. "What shall this new Warden listen to?" he cackled as he watched the new recruit join the order. "Psy's Gangnam Style or Meghan Trainor?"


End file.
